[DARROW] March 17th

[unseentides]

I bought wine.

Not for me, but for Sookie, and in hindsight maybe it was a little strange, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I asked the same worker at the store which one was best and I'm fairly sure he tried to up sell me again, but I can't say I minded. I was genuinely excited to be going to Sookie's movie night. She was just one of those people you wanted more of in your life.

I wondered what sort of movies she liked. I'd watched a few at Hailsham, and then at the Cottages, but none had really struck my fancy the way they did the others. If anything, the way that Ruth mindlessly mimicked them afterwards drove me a bit insane. She was so desperate to be worldly, she'd steal bits and pieces from just about anywhere.

I preferred to read. To enter worlds, instead of trying to bring them into my own. It was harder to focus on time when I was reading and, after I'd left them both for my Carer duties, harder to dwell on who I'd left behind. Sometimes a certain line would strike me, though, an image that would bring back a memory of my past, and my grief would catch me afresh again. Not grief. It wasn't grief then. I knew they were still alive. But longing. A longing for Tommy, and even for Ruth, brought to life by the words and sentences an author I'd never met had so carefully formed.

But I don't know why I'm talking about books again. It was a movie night.  Sookie seemed so enthusiastic about the whole thing, it was hard for me not to be. I rose my hand in a fist to knock on her door, wine in my free hand, and waited.

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[unseentides]

People in Darrow seemed big on giving me choice. I know that's a strange observation to make when all Sookie had done was offer me tea, but in comparison to how I'd grown up, it was kind of a big deal. Of course, I knew how I took my tea, we'd practiced those sorts of things in roleplay class, but I also knew what it was to accept things as they were given to me without asking, like the medications we swallowed with no explanation for what they'd do to our bodies.

A strange observation over tea, like I said.

"Two sugars," I said, and told her when to stop with the milk. I glanced over at the TV. "Is this one of your favourites? The Matrix?"

[justsookie]

"I'm not sure I would call it one of my favorites. But it holds a soft spot in my heart because it's one of those movies that everyone seems to be able to appreciate," I considered, stirring my own mug of tea and leaning back into the couch, pulling my legs up. Knowing that Kathy might fare better with some prompting, I also leaned forward and picked up a cookie, enjoying the warmth of it in my hand.

Honestly, I cooked a fair amount out of habit, but baking was something that often fell to the wayside. It took longer, and it was hard to justify eating everything myself. (Lafayette watched his waistline as much as I did.)

So when I bit into my cookie, I couldn't help a soft huff of pleasure. Tasted pretty close to how gran made them, I'd say.

"I'm kind of a sucker for romantic films. Less after I started dating around myself, I think, but yeah," I said thoughtfully. "The real stuff was never so neat and tidy at the end. Or maybe it will be if I ever find that elusive soulmate."

[unseentides]

I bit into one of the cookies, too, and made a hum of approval. They were good. It was strange, in a nice way, how different things tasted when they were homemade. For individuals instead of vast quantities. I hadn't had a lot of that before.

I still wonder if Tommy was my soulmate. We could barely prove we had souls to Madame and Miss Emily and the powers above that decided our fates, but whatever I felt for him was unrivalled. I just didn't know, don't know, if it finding the other part of your soul was supposed to ache like it did. I still don't know if what pushed us together was our tragic fate, or loneliness, the sheer fact there were so few others.

I don't think so. I know that I loved him. I know that I still do. "I'm sure you will," I said. It was hard to imagine a world in which somebody like Sookie didn't get to have a happy ending. I've said it before, but she was just so lovely.

[justsookie]

I laughed. It wasn't quite bitter to my own ears, which was good. God, I didn't need to give Kathy any reasons to feel bad, but... I really didn't have much hope of figuring out my own life to that degree. I don't know if I'm really right enough to even have a soulmate. Sometimes it feels like life's just determined to chew me up and spit me right out. I'm glad that I've kept myself up in spite of all of that, but it gets tiring sometimes. And it feels easier not to keep my hopes too high. Easier to be pleasantly surprised than to be let down.

"I am not half as sure about that," I tell her, shaking my head as I took a small sip of my tea. "I'm not the easiest person in the world to deal with. My best friend here said it once, that I was practically an angel of death, and I know he was just real frustrated when he said it and wouldn't actually want to hurt me, but it's kind of true. I've got this curiosity about me that just sends me careening towards trouble, and danger, and I don't know. I'm trying to fix it, I really am."

I leaned back against the couch, taking another small bite of my cookie as I considered how else to put it. "Being in Darrow's a little better, because everyone sees how crazy it can get around here. You can be open about the things you've seen and done that are a little different. Either people won't care, like if they're one of the natives, or they'll at least understand that the impossible is possible around these parts."