[DARROW] March 17th

[unseentides]

I bought wine.

Not for me, but for Sookie, and in hindsight maybe it was a little strange, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I asked the same worker at the store which one was best and I'm fairly sure he tried to up sell me again, but I can't say I minded. I was genuinely excited to be going to Sookie's movie night. She was just one of those people you wanted more of in your life.

I wondered what sort of movies she liked. I'd watched a few at Hailsham, and then at the Cottages, but none had really struck my fancy the way they did the others. If anything, the way that Ruth mindlessly mimicked them afterwards drove me a bit insane. She was so desperate to be worldly, she'd steal bits and pieces from just about anywhere.

I preferred to read. To enter worlds, instead of trying to bring them into my own. It was harder to focus on time when I was reading and, after I'd left them both for my Carer duties, harder to dwell on who I'd left behind. Sometimes a certain line would strike me, though, an image that would bring back a memory of my past, and my grief would catch me afresh again. Not grief. It wasn't grief then. I knew they were still alive. But longing. A longing for Tommy, and even for Ruth, brought to life by the words and sentences an author I'd never met had so carefully formed.

But I don't know why I'm talking about books again. It was a movie night.  Sookie seemed so enthusiastic about the whole thing, it was hard for me not to be. I rose my hand in a fist to knock on her door, wine in my free hand, and waited.

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[justsookie]

As often as I heard it said that I was a social little thing in Darrow, it still wasn't a reputation I was used to having. Maybe that's why I relished the chance so much to be someone I'd never been before. In Bon Temps, everyone avoided me. I was the weird one who could somehow know what everyone was thinking even when they didn't me a word. Even after most of my closest friends started learning what it was I could do and where it came from, for some of them, it only made things worse. Made them a little uneasy about being around me.

Darrow didn't have that problem as much, I guess. Or maybe I was good enough about hiding under the chaos. Either way, I loved being able to be open with people and express myself fully. Naturally, knowing Kathy, I wanted to give her the same opportunity.

Hearing the knock on my door, I rushed on over. Already, the apartment smelled like popcorn and salted caramel cookies that I'd baked for the occasion. I wanted to give her a chance to indulge a little.

"Kathy, hey!" I greeted warmly as I opened the door, stepping forward to give her a hug, and a kiss on the cheek. "Come on in, come on in. The cookies just got out of the oven, so you've got perfect timing. Oh, and if you brought wine — you realize I'm going to try and pour you a glass, right?"

[unseentides]

It sounds so silly looking back, but the way that Sookie's place smelled made my heart ache a little. I wondered if this was what it was like for the children I'd read about in books. Children that could recognise their mother's presence by the aroma of cookies, cakes. I never really had that. I mean, we cooked, and we were fed well, but at Hailsham it was out of large, industrial kitchens, and once we got the Cottages it was largely only for ourselves. I never knew what it was to be cared for like I read about, though. To feel love through baked goods. It does sound silly, doesn't it? So many things that bring us pain do.

Hugging Sookie back, I glanced around her place and laughed lightly. "You can always try," I said, although one of the things I liked about Sookie — one of the many things — was that she wasn't the sort to pressure me. She also didn't underestimate me, though. It was a nice balance.

[justsookie]

"I'm tellin' you, I'm not much of a nutritionist — just ask me about the way that I make tea and most people around the world would probably balk — but I've done my research, and they say having moderate amounts of wine is good for you," I told Kathy, raising my brow. I didn't begrudge her the desire to keep herself healthy and her judgment clear, but I also thought that one of the best things for health was the occasional indulgence. "Besides, knowing how it tastes might be good so that if you ever go to a party and don't know what you're drinkin', you'll at least know it's alcoholic."

Winking, I took the bottle gently from Kathy and guided her further inside, leading her to the coat hanger. "So, the cookies and popcorn won't stay warm forever; we should start our movie quickly. Are you okay with movies that might be a little scary? I mean, it's not a horror movie or anything, but there are a couple of scenes that get kinda icky."

[unseentides]

I'd heard all the news about the goodness of wine, and I didn't hold it against anyone who chose to drink. It was just hard for me to look past all that I'd been told about the dangers of it, on our livers and our kidneys and our brains. The same way I didn't think less of Faye for smoking, but still couldn't help but imagine the pictures they'd shown us of tar-covered-lungs. While all the points Sookie made were valid, and I owed nobody anything by way of organs in Darrow, I couldn't imagine myself drinking. It had just never been an option before, and the fact it was now was so strange.

Shrugging off my coat, I shook my head. "That's okay, I can deal with icky," I said. "What have you got for us to watch?"

[justsookie]

Twice denied, I didn't try to push Kathy a third time on the wine issue. It probably required someone with a hell of a lot more persuasiveness than I had in my pocket. I didn't really like pushing people to do things that they didn't want to, unless it was in the name of greater responsibility. Drinking wine was probably the opposite of that.

I told myself not to drink too much in front of her, lest I make myself look foolish.

"What I've got for us is a movie called The Matrix. It's science fiction, so kind of explores the way the world could have gone were certain technologies put into place? It really gets you thinkin', which is my main reason for picking it. Oh, and it's probably the one time I really wanted to do naughty things to Keanu Reeves, so," I said with a grin, gathering up the popcorn and cookies first, one in a bowl and the other in a plate, and bringing it over to the coffee table in front of my couch.

[unseentides]

I had to laugh at that, although I wasn't sure about a film that made me think. I figured I did enough of that, but if Sookie chose it, I trusted it would be good. And anyway, it wasn't all about watching the movie. It was about spending time with a friend. I'd have to return the favour someday. Get better at cooking for people other than myself.

I followed her onto the couch, trying not to too obviously examine her apartment. Like I've said before, though, I could be so nosy, and so I'm not sure I could have helped it. I sat down and glanced over at the cookies, impressed. They looked delicious. "You made them from scratch?"

[justsookie]

While I hadn't found the time to repaint the walls of my apartment in the way that I wanted, always afraid that they'd make me paint it back if I ever wanted to move out, the general theme that I kept for the place was one of warm colors and plenty of paintings. I hung them on the walls, mostly landscapes and still lifes. Sometimes paintings of dancers. In some ways, the style of the home that I kept was more that of my gran's than my own, but it made me feel all the more at home.

I flipped the television on with my remote before holding out the plate of cookies for Kathy to take one. "From scratch, yes. But they're my gran's recipe, so she should get all the credit. Ooh, I should get some tea, you can't have these cookies without tea. The movie has previews anyway, so I'll put those on," I said, letting the disc start to play. It was a little weird seeing some credits from movies I'd never heard of that were playing in Darrow, but I didn't see a reason to avoid them. I just needed to get used to them. "Do you take your tea with milk and sugar?"

[unseentides]

"Both, yes, please," I said, and I took one of the cookies and held it but didn't eat it just yet, since Sookie had said they were better with tea. I wondered what it was like to have recipes handed down like that. I wondered what it was like to have parents and grandparents from whom we took more than just genetic traits. I wondered what my Original was like, and if we shared any of the same nuances. Ruth said that we came from the gutter, from trash, but I found it hard to believe we could share DNA and nothing else. But I also believed we had souls, and many others didn't. I watched the previews with interest, wondering whether Sookie had seen any of them yet.

In hindsight, I guess a wondered a lot that night. About myself, and my company, and how far I'd come to be sitting in a strange city eating biscuits with somebody who didn't recoil in fear at the tracking bracelet I still hadn't taken off of my wrist out of habit. Or fear. Or both.

[justsookie]

Having the noise of the television filter through the apartment felt like home. I liked noise. I liked having people around to talk to, to share my time with, and that was only one of many reasons why I hoped to someday find someone to live with. Lafayette was as good as a roommate with how often he came around, but there was still something different about actually living together. About having the same address, about seeing one another being an expectation rather than an agreement. I smiled as I gathered up the sugar and milk, glad that I had the company.

Even though I had friends in Darrow, I still spent more time alone than I would have preferred.

"Alright, milk and sugar," I grinned, glancing at the television as it breezed through some kind of martial arts movie preview. Probably Darrow's equivalent of a Jackie Chan movie. It made sense given the action in The Matrix. "Let me know how many sugars, and when to stop pouring the milk."

I started with the sugar, wanting to make sure that I could get all of it to dissolve before the milk cooled the drink down.

[unseentides]

People in Darrow seemed big on giving me choice. I know that's a strange observation to make when all Sookie had done was offer me tea, but in comparison to how I'd grown up, it was kind of a big deal. Of course, I knew how I took my tea, we'd practiced those sorts of things in roleplay class, but I also knew what it was to accept things as they were given to me without asking, like the medications we swallowed with no explanation for what they'd do to our bodies.

A strange observation over tea, like I said.

"Two sugars," I said, and told her when to stop with the milk. I glanced over at the TV. "Is this one of your favourites? The Matrix?"

[justsookie]

"I'm not sure I would call it one of my favorites. But it holds a soft spot in my heart because it's one of those movies that everyone seems to be able to appreciate," I considered, stirring my own mug of tea and leaning back into the couch, pulling my legs up. Knowing that Kathy might fare better with some prompting, I also leaned forward and picked up a cookie, enjoying the warmth of it in my hand.

Honestly, I cooked a fair amount out of habit, but baking was something that often fell to the wayside. It took longer, and it was hard to justify eating everything myself. (Lafayette watched his waistline as much as I did.)

So when I bit into my cookie, I couldn't help a soft huff of pleasure. Tasted pretty close to how gran made them, I'd say.

"I'm kind of a sucker for romantic films. Less after I started dating around myself, I think, but yeah," I said thoughtfully. "The real stuff was never so neat and tidy at the end. Or maybe it will be if I ever find that elusive soulmate."

[unseentides]

I bit into one of the cookies, too, and made a hum of approval. They were good. It was strange, in a nice way, how different things tasted when they were homemade. For individuals instead of vast quantities. I hadn't had a lot of that before.

I still wonder if Tommy was my soulmate. We could barely prove we had souls to Madame and Miss Emily and the powers above that decided our fates, but whatever I felt for him was unrivalled. I just didn't know, don't know, if it finding the other part of your soul was supposed to ache like it did. I still don't know if what pushed us together was our tragic fate, or loneliness, the sheer fact there were so few others.

I don't think so. I know that I loved him. I know that I still do. "I'm sure you will," I said. It was hard to imagine a world in which somebody like Sookie didn't get to have a happy ending. I've said it before, but she was just so lovely.

[justsookie]

I laughed. It wasn't quite bitter to my own ears, which was good. God, I didn't need to give Kathy any reasons to feel bad, but... I really didn't have much hope of figuring out my own life to that degree. I don't know if I'm really right enough to even have a soulmate. Sometimes it feels like life's just determined to chew me up and spit me right out. I'm glad that I've kept myself up in spite of all of that, but it gets tiring sometimes. And it feels easier not to keep my hopes too high. Easier to be pleasantly surprised than to be let down.

"I am not half as sure about that," I tell her, shaking my head as I took a small sip of my tea. "I'm not the easiest person in the world to deal with. My best friend here said it once, that I was practically an angel of death, and I know he was just real frustrated when he said it and wouldn't actually want to hurt me, but it's kind of true. I've got this curiosity about me that just sends me careening towards trouble, and danger, and I don't know. I'm trying to fix it, I really am."

I leaned back against the couch, taking another small bite of my cookie as I considered how else to put it. "Being in Darrow's a little better, because everyone sees how crazy it can get around here. You can be open about the things you've seen and done that are a little different. Either people won't care, like if they're one of the natives, or they'll at least understand that the impossible is possible around these parts."